Friday, February 11, 2011

F is for friends who do stuff together…

Papa had a retirement party to go to this morning that started before I had to be in class so he dropped me off at school early.  Two and a half hours early, to be exact.  I’m so okay with that though because it's not even noon yet and already I’ve studied for my test Monday, written part of my poem due Monday, read ahead for two classes and am about to start on assignments for my online class.

Being productive is awesome!  Whodathunkit?

Sitting here by myself though has me a bit bummed.  Everywhere I look people are talking to and hanging out with their friends.  When it comes to college, I don’t have any friends.  Not a one.  I’ll talk to someone in class if they speak to me, but I’m not one to make small talk.  I go to class, sit down and learn.  I’m not paying oodles of money to socialize, except I really do want to socialize.  It sucks to walk around and not know anyone. 

I have friends I talk to via Facebook, Twitter and what not, but as far as friend that I talk to in real life, on a regular basis, I have two.  They’re the only two friends who came to see me when I was in the hospital or even text me after to make sure I was okay.  They’re the only two who call me to hang out or who have come out to see me since I’ve moved.  And now they both have boys so I’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing and hearing form them a little less.

It really sucks because I know they have a life outside of being my friend, and I don’t expect them to drop everything and cater to my every need, but I’m so tired of being lonely.  I’m so over sitting at home on the weekends and not getting invited to go do things because I don’t have a car. 

I’m my own enemy in this situation, but I don’t know how to overcome it.  I tend to get along better with people who are older and more mature than most my age and college is a great place to find that if I could just get over myself.  My lack of self-esteem and self-confidence does nothing for me, yet I don’t know where to even begin in terms of fixing it.

I think the fear of rejection is what stands in my way the most.  I’ve been pushed down and bullied so much of my life, why would I put myself out there only to be turned down.  It’s much easier to keep my nose in a book or my phone and just not care.  Except I do.  I care a lot.  I don’t want to look back on my twenties only to realize that there was so much I missed out on because I was scared.

I know I’m weird and loud and clumsy, but I like to think I’m a good person.  I’ll go out of my way to help and friend and although that’s come back to bite me in the ass multiple times, I still do it because that’s just who I am.  Maybe I let people walk all over me too much and that’s my problem.  Correction.  I know I let people walk all over me too much and that is my problem. 

To ignore it all though and shove my feelings aside to avoid confrontation is so much easier.  But then things build up, people explode and friendships are forever ruined because you owe me this much money and you did this and this and why didn’t you do this?  It’s happened to me more times than I care to admit and I know I’m to blame for most of them.  That’s what hurts the most. Some of my favorite friendships are no more because I harbor my feelings and don’t know how to communicate.

Maybe I’m the common denominator here.  I don’t have friends because I’m not a good friend, but like I said, I’d like to think I’m a good friend.  Perhaps I’m only a partially good friend.  Yes, I’ll go out of my way to help and be there, but when it comes to the things that are supposed to hold a friendship together, I totally suck.

I find it easy to sit behind a screen and edit what I’m going to say before I publish or send it, but when it comes to an actual conversation with a real live human being?  Forget it.  I get nervous and twitchy and don’t know what to say so instead I ramble and make myself look like a fool.

The only thing stopping me is me and I’m thinking that it’s time for that to change.  It’s time for me to put myself out there and if I don’t make any friends, at least I’ll have tried.  I do weird things and talk about poop a lot.  I’m loud and tend to talk about inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  You can call me at midnight for directions and ask me questions about cars that I don’t know the answer to, but will look up on Google.  You may have to tell me a joke three times only for me to pretend I get it and bust out laughing ten minutes later when I really do get.

We could go out, eat at IHOP and end up heading to the beach at 4 AM only to find ourselves almost hitting a cow.*  Things won’t always be perfect and they won’t always be fun.  I’m sure I’ll say the wrong thing and accidently start and argument.  My feelings will get hurt and I’ll bust out in tears, but that’s just who I am.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Surely there’s someone out there who needs a little Katie in their life! 

*Just kidding.  That can only happen once.  At lest I’m pretty sure that can only happen once…

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