Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Change Is Good

Change is something I've never really been good with. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. (Sorry, Momma. It hurt me just as much to write it as it does for you to read it.) I'm perfectly fine in my comfort zone, thankyouverymuch.

Somethings have to change though and I get it. I totally do. Still doesn't mean I have to like it.

I recently got a job sitting with my 87 year old great grandmother, GranGran, overnight. (Yes, I said great.) The pay is wonderful, four times what I was previously making, and allows me to study for school. Without a car I'm having to rely on Nana G to get me to and from work and classes. My school is 10 minutes from GranGran's, 15 from Nana G's.

Sounds great, Katie. Where's the problem?

I was previously living with my Nana M, about 30 minutes away. I was having problems with Daddie, she was having health problems, her husband lives in Mississippi and it just worked out that I lived there. I started working at the company they owned and all was well. It was a total God thing.

I don't really have a relationship with her husband other than he helps me out financially with school and has bought me both of my cars. Sad to say, but that's what happens when you buy a company 2 states over without telling your wife and decide to live there permanently without her. (He's a pilot and will fly himself back and forth. That's a whole different story.) We don't get along well and that's a big contributing factor, among other things.

Nana M lived alone, her health wasn't the best and it made her happy that I lived there. And I was happy, too. I'd gotten to a point though where I didn't feel like I had any freedom. I had to be home by 10:30 pm. She would call me every hour to check in. I'd come home to find my closed bedroom door wide open and things moved around.

Then my wreck happened and I started my new job and started staying with GranGran and Nana G six nights a week. Logically, it makes sense that I move here. I'm closer to school and work and my means of transportation until I can get a new car. I know everything has worked out the way it should and I'm beyond blessed, but I feel guilty.

Moving means leaving Nana M alone and lonely. This breaks my heart and at the same time infuriates me. She has a husband, 5 kids and 7 other grandkids who can help out and don't. Not that she needs round the clock care, but I know she gets lonely and I hate that.

Given the situation I know that moving is the best thing for me and is something that needs to be done, but I'll be honest. I'm scared. What if my job doesn't work out? What of something happens to Nana M? What if something happens to Nana G? What if? What if? What if!

I can drive myself crazy with all the what if's. I know I just need to step out on faith and know that God has this all planned out, but sometimes that's easier said than done.

Yes my friends are 30 minutes away along with a lot of other things in my life, but it's only 30 MINUTES AWAY. It's a drive I've driven more times than I can count. One I can take with my eyes closed and tell you exactly where we are just by the way the car turns. I'm not moving to another state or another county. It's one town over and driving back will be nothing when I get a car.

So why is it so hard for me to accept this change, especially when it's a good one?

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